At least according to the news.
I can't turn on the television without getting really really depressed about something. I'm worried about houses being in foreclosure (I don't even own a house), I'm worried about the fact that the FDIC insures up to 100,000 dollars, it doesn't seem like enough (I have much, much, much less than that in my bank account), I'm worried that the fed will drop interest rates (?? this might benefit me through my loans), I'm worried about what will happen if there's a bail out (my taxes might increase!!), and what will happen if there isn't a bail out (eek!)...
When I think of my day to day life, it hasn't changed much. My house is near my school so I really don't drive very often, cutting down my transportation expenses as gas prices soar. I live on a medical student diet of Diet Coke, Pasta, and Noon Conference food- my food costs have not increased significantly.
My day to day life has not changed in the slightest. I'm broke, I'm scavenging for free food, I don't drive very often, I'm "paying to work..." yet I have this sense of impending doom. The whole world is falling apart. It's only a matter of time before I go down in flames.
And that's when I turned the channel.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
The Name
So, Emily Forest isn't actually my name- It's not that I'm ashamed of my illness; it's just that it's probably better not to advertise. Especially given my position as a medical student. If I ever become a world famous _________ then I wouldn't try so hard to hide it. But, right now I'm in a position where I, like all others in medical school, have to prove myself, have to come off as professional, able to handle pressure, enthusiastic, trustworthy... all of those adjectives they put on the evaluation sheet next to check boxes indicating "rarely observed" "sometimes observed" all the way to "always observed." And aside from not being professional, able to handle pressure, enthusiastic, trustworthy, you'd better not piss anyone off, particularly on certain rotations, such as ________ (it may be different at different schools- fill in whatever is relevant to you), or you'll end up with a check in the "rarely observed" box.
So, anyway, the name. It's actually my "porn name." One night at summer camp, after "lights out" when we were technically supposed to be sleeping, one of the other girls asked each of us the name of our first pet and the street we grew up on. Basically, if you combine these two entities, you get your "porn name." And, it's supposed to be something like Peppy (your first dog) LaRue (your childhood street). My first pet was named Emily, and I grew up on Forest Street, so I came up with Emily Forest.
And, that is the name I write under. So I can be enthusiastic, together, and trustworthy on the wards.
So, anyway, the name. It's actually my "porn name." One night at summer camp, after "lights out" when we were technically supposed to be sleeping, one of the other girls asked each of us the name of our first pet and the street we grew up on. Basically, if you combine these two entities, you get your "porn name." And, it's supposed to be something like Peppy (your first dog) LaRue (your childhood street). My first pet was named Emily, and I grew up on Forest Street, so I came up with Emily Forest.
And, that is the name I write under. So I can be enthusiastic, together, and trustworthy on the wards.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Hiding It
So, I'm pretty good at hiding it. But, there are little things. I live in fear of forgetting my medication, so I keep it in my Coach wristlet among my credit card receipts, random change, and crumpled dollar bills. I usually keep about a day or two's supply on hand- the hospital I'm at is a ways away from my apartment so if I forget, I'm a little screwed.
Mostly, everything's fine. I go to the pharmacy, I keep my bottles full, I put pills in my purse, I take them, and I'm normal.
Except for when I'm not. For instance, on Monday, after going to bed quite early Sunday night, I found myself falling asleep during rounds. My face didn't really want to smile, and my feet were perfectly happy to remain still while waiting for the elevator. Life wasn't bad, just a little boring. That, and I felt that if I could find a couch, I'd be able to nap.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Emergency Room
As a medical student, I spend quite a bit of time in the Emergency Room. Actually, I spent quite a bit of time in the ER before I went to medical school as well. It's just now I'm not waiting around on one of the beds with my latest skiing/ hiking/ biking/ walking accident. Instead, I'm buzzing around with a clipboard, finding patients, asking them if it's ok for a student to interview them (the answer is always yes- some people think that students are the same thing as residents, they forget that I'm a student, they don't understand the white coat distinction...) And then I start. I start by asking every question on our school supplied H&P template. The template is quite thorough, particularly the review of systems. And, because I'm just learning what is important, I have to ask all the questions. And, even though I'm learning that someone's right knee pain may not be relevant to his acute myocardial infarction, I still have to ask all the questions. We have preceptor group, and should I have to utter the sentence "well I didnt ask about his right knee..." during a discussion, then I look bad. And medical school is all about not looking bad in front of people.
Anyway, the ER. So, I'm buzzing around the ER with the History and Physical template and clipboard in hand, when I see my psychiatrist. Now, I have a regular psychiatrist, but she's away right now so I have this replacement doctor who works for the school. I figured that he had a patient in the ED and was visiting him/her to ask why he/she'd taken all the tylenol. I came back to the ED a few hours later, and my psychiatrist was still there, perhaps questioning another patient of his about why he or she took all the aspirin. Anyway, the psychiatrist was there all day, because, I imagined, his whole practice was going down. And all his patients were in the ED in various stages of distress.
Later I found out that he works in the ED and that those were not HIS patients.
I find this heartening.
Anyway, the ER. So, I'm buzzing around the ER with the History and Physical template and clipboard in hand, when I see my psychiatrist. Now, I have a regular psychiatrist, but she's away right now so I have this replacement doctor who works for the school. I figured that he had a patient in the ED and was visiting him/her to ask why he/she'd taken all the tylenol. I came back to the ED a few hours later, and my psychiatrist was still there, perhaps questioning another patient of his about why he or she took all the aspirin. Anyway, the psychiatrist was there all day, because, I imagined, his whole practice was going down. And all his patients were in the ED in various stages of distress.
Later I found out that he works in the ED and that those were not HIS patients.
I find this heartening.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Plastic Surgery
As a medical writer, I end up having to research topics I wouldn't ordinarily think to research. Lately, I've been writing a lot for plastic surgeons so I've learned all about hyaluronic acid fillers. These are injected under the skin to "fill things out" and smooth wrinkles. And, they all have names that conjure images of fresh faced youth, like Juvederm. There's even a new product, called Radiesse, that stimulates the body to actually produce its own collagen.
Growing your own collagen isn't always a positive. Elephant Man, who some believe suffered from Proteus Syndrome, was very adept at growing his own collagen. That would not be a good way to explain the way Radiesse works. "Did you ever see the movie, The Elephant Man? Well, a lot of the way he looked had to do with collagen overgrowth, and actually, the stuff that I'm about to inject under your skin with this giant needle, causes your body to start growing more collagen... Hey! Where are you going?! Don't you want to get rid of your wrinkles?"
I'm happy to report, though, that if you are not happy with the way you look, there are many solutions including Accent skin tightening, Juvederm, Radiesse, Botox, face lifts...
Growing your own collagen isn't always a positive. Elephant Man, who some believe suffered from Proteus Syndrome, was very adept at growing his own collagen. That would not be a good way to explain the way Radiesse works. "Did you ever see the movie, The Elephant Man? Well, a lot of the way he looked had to do with collagen overgrowth, and actually, the stuff that I'm about to inject under your skin with this giant needle, causes your body to start growing more collagen... Hey! Where are you going?! Don't you want to get rid of your wrinkles?"
I'm happy to report, though, that if you are not happy with the way you look, there are many solutions including Accent skin tightening, Juvederm, Radiesse, Botox, face lifts...
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Prescription Drugs
I just got a shipment of medications from Glasko Smith Kline. Whenever I get a package, I excitedly shake it like a little kid on Christmas. And when I hear the moroca-y sound of lots of tiny pills tumbling around inside their plastic bottles, I get very excited. Because this means that another month has gone by where I will NOT have to pay twelve hundred dollars for my medications.
Yes, my medications cost 1200 per month. And getting help from the drug companies was like pulling teeth. I HAVE insurance, so I didn't technically qualify for most of the programs. The fact that my insurance caps out at 2,000 dollars a year didn't seem to count when I first applied. So I appealed. And in some cases, I appealed again. Finally I'm at the point where most of my drugs are supplied for free through some of these prescription drug charity programs.
This makes me really mad about being bipolar. Most things can be fixed. Relationships can be repaired, tattoos can be lasered away (If I were to so desire), but I will always be a slave to the pharmacy. Always always always. In day to day life, it seems easy enough. I get my prescriptions, I go to the pharmacy (or as is the case right now, I get my drugs from the companies), I take my pills... everything's fine. The trouble comes when I realize I'm running out of medication and I forgot to tell my doctor I needed another prescription. Sometimes when I'm planning to go on vacation, I realize I'm set to run out of medication right smack in the middle of the week. And sometimes, if you've got your 90 day supply, you can't get another batch of pills until that 90 days are up. So if you're going on vacation at day 85, and you need 10 days worth of pills during your vacation, you may not be able to get those extra 5 pills before leaving. That means you have to carry a prescription with you, and make a visit to the pharmacy wherever you happen to be.
The inconvenience isn't a big deal in and of itself- I don't sit around thinking about it, crying over it... it's just that it's a reminder.
Yes, my medications cost 1200 per month. And getting help from the drug companies was like pulling teeth. I HAVE insurance, so I didn't technically qualify for most of the programs. The fact that my insurance caps out at 2,000 dollars a year didn't seem to count when I first applied. So I appealed. And in some cases, I appealed again. Finally I'm at the point where most of my drugs are supplied for free through some of these prescription drug charity programs.
This makes me really mad about being bipolar. Most things can be fixed. Relationships can be repaired, tattoos can be lasered away (If I were to so desire), but I will always be a slave to the pharmacy. Always always always. In day to day life, it seems easy enough. I get my prescriptions, I go to the pharmacy (or as is the case right now, I get my drugs from the companies), I take my pills... everything's fine. The trouble comes when I realize I'm running out of medication and I forgot to tell my doctor I needed another prescription. Sometimes when I'm planning to go on vacation, I realize I'm set to run out of medication right smack in the middle of the week. And sometimes, if you've got your 90 day supply, you can't get another batch of pills until that 90 days are up. So if you're going on vacation at day 85, and you need 10 days worth of pills during your vacation, you may not be able to get those extra 5 pills before leaving. That means you have to carry a prescription with you, and make a visit to the pharmacy wherever you happen to be.
The inconvenience isn't a big deal in and of itself- I don't sit around thinking about it, crying over it... it's just that it's a reminder.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Study Aids
In the past, whenever hypomania has struck, I've come up with the brilliant idea to start a business. And the business I'm starting always involves buying a printer. But not a printer that I already have, the five printers from the previous episodes won't work. Nope, if I already have an ink jet, I need a laser printer. If I have a black and white laser printer, I need an ink jet. If I have an ink jet and a laser printer, I need a printer that photocopies. A printer that photocopies in color. A big printer, a small printer... And then by the time the printer arrives, I'm back to a more level state... and my dreams of writing chemistry text books, making biology flash cards, and authoring a book of pneumonic devices designed to help people learning English as a second language, have dissipated.
I'm super on top of my moods and medications right now so I haven't been buying printers. Instead, I've developed an insatiable appetite for study aids. I'll pick out the perfect study aid on Amazon, buy it, and then when it arrives, I'll decide that another study aid must be better. And you'd think that eventually I'd run out of study aids to buy. Apparently it's a booming business, the business of making study aids. And I'm probably the best customer.
As of now, I haven't decided whether I want to crush step two, learn all the secrets associated with step two, step up to step two, learn first aid for step 2.
I'm super on top of my moods and medications right now so I haven't been buying printers. Instead, I've developed an insatiable appetite for study aids. I'll pick out the perfect study aid on Amazon, buy it, and then when it arrives, I'll decide that another study aid must be better. And you'd think that eventually I'd run out of study aids to buy. Apparently it's a booming business, the business of making study aids. And I'm probably the best customer.
As of now, I haven't decided whether I want to crush step two, learn all the secrets associated with step two, step up to step two, learn first aid for step 2.
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